Oven logic

Heat transfer. It's what's for dinner. (Warning: TVTropes event horizon ahead)

The Sunday before Thanksgiving is probably the best time, at least in the United States, to be posting something like this -- for a lot of people, Turkey Day is amateur hour, and jumping into a big ugly mess of cooking relatively unfamiliar foods is a difficult endeavor, since even experts have to do a lot of planning. It's easy to lose sight of the fact that the single biggest issue when cooking Thanksgiving dinner (or indeed any large meal) is food safety. (If you're reading from outside the US, you might wish to save this for Christmas.)

Certain processes can't be effectively sped up by raising or lowering the temperature. This is why you don't, for example, do roast beef on the grill using direct high heat; it's virtually impossible to cook it through without carbonizing the outside of the meat that way, so you bank the heat to the side (a little like a rotisserie oven) and cook it slow, almost like barbecue. Similarly, you can't thaw a turkey on the counter -- the inside will still be frozen while the outside approaches room temperature and severe bacterial contamination. Among other things, that's why a turducken takes over a day to put together and cook properly -- the sheer mass of the thing, combined with the fact that it's essentially a solid pile of food means that it will not cook quickly no matter what you do to it. (Okay, you might be able to speed it up a bit with some pipes and blowtorches, but don't go trying to figure out how that'd work. You'll regret it.) So here are a few things you need to know.

• In the media at least, I hear of four major sources of food poisoning: Salmonella, Listeria, botulism, and E. coli. When dealing with cooked meat, the first and last are the ones you'll have to worry about the most; although they aren't necessarily as dangerous as the other two, they're no picnic and can make your life hell for a few days. Proper temperature management is key here; the benchmark for food safety used in the United States is the FDA's 2-40-140 rule: if it sits out for longer than two hours between 40F (4C) and 140F (60C), toss it. (As any homebrewer, for whom bacterial contamination is a constant danger, can tell you, you want to go from cold to hot to cold as quickly as possible.)
• "Oven logic" doesn't work. You won't make the turkey cook faster by jacking the temperature above 400F (200C); you'll wind up with burnt skin and raw internal meat.
• Get a good instant-read thermometer; do not do not do NOT rely on the pop-up sensor. At best, it's a guide as to when to get out a real thermometer. To use the thermometer, stick it into the turkey in the thigh, away from any bone or air pockets. Your minimum safe internal temperature is 165F (75C); you may be able to cheat, but please don't try.
• Don't stuff the turkey. It can be done safely, but it's not really worth trying unless you're very good at what you're doing. At most, stuff it with something like a mirepoix and toss or microwave the vegetables before carving the turkey.
• Learn everything you can about food safety. When feeding a crowd, buying a copy of The Professional Chef or a similar cooking school textbook is not overkill.
• If you're crazy enough to deep-fry a turkey (and the results are quite tasty, so the temptation will be strong), do it as safely as possible. Make sure the fryer is on a stable, fireproof surface like a level concrete patio. Have a large fire extinguisher on standby and a cell phone nearby to dial 911 in case something goes wrong. Make sure you have a safe way to load and unload the turkey into the pot and don't skimp on protective gear. Make sure the turkey is as dry as you can get it before putting it in so you don't have pockets of boiling water making oil geysers. Don't leave the turkey unattended, ever. Most importantly: do not wing it. Turkey frying is one of the most dangerous cooking procedures out there, probably second only to lava-baked chicken. Get reliable instructions and follow them.

Some extra resources:

• The United States Department of Agriculture's Food Safety and Inspection Service. Seasonal information, including Thanksgiving advice, is here.
• Butterball. Even if you don't use their turkey, their support line and website are perennial favorites. (Enjoy some stupid questions...)
• The panic button (and some advice to go with it (mental health humor ahead)).